Two friends, Samantha Hanson and Brianna Brunson, sat together and laughed while they discussed what makes a good friend. In a short narrative of their conversation, they concluded good friends help each other grow by uplifting one another. Later, more BYUH students shared how “friendscaping” is a normal and necessary thing to do when friend become more “toxic” rather than supportive.
While she sat cross-legged on the carpeted floor, Samantha Hanson, a sophomore from Florida majoring in marine biology, laughed with her unit mate and friend Brianna Brunson, a junior from Texas majoring in information technology. Brunson was teasing Hanson about her appearance: she was wearing a green face mask and had her bangs pulled up in a ponytail like a Dr. Seuss character.
Brunson fell silent as Hanson readily rattled off several qualities she thinks a good friend has, including loyalty and trustworthiness. Hanson said, “A good friend is someone you can rely on. Someone who you can beat down their door at two in the morning and come cry to them and you know that they will support you and love you no matter what and not judge you super harshly.”
Hanson then blinked up expectantly at Brunson, who stared back at her from where she was perched on her bed. When Brunson still didn’t say anything, Hanson continued with a cheeky smile, “A friend is someone you can spring an interview on with no warning.”
Brunson laughed and exclaimed, “I’m trying to think here! Silence!” After another minute, Brunson added quietly, “A friend is someone who pushes you and makes you want to be a better person.”
Hanson agreed, “That is really important. Anyone can just be nice and say nice things to you and hang out with you. But it takes a special kind of person to be honest with you and tell you your faults in a way that’s not condescending and totally soul-crushing.”
Brunson said, “As humans, we’re not meant to be stagnant. We’re always supposed to be growing in some way, whether it be positive or negative, and friends can influence that. Which way you go depends on who you choose [to surround yourself with.]”
Hannah Huhtala, a freshman from Utah majoring in political science, said love and care are key in any relationship. “For me, the number one thing is respect and support. Some of the greatest friends I’ve had are the ones who respect me and my goals and what I want out of life.
“Because they respect me, they’re willing to help me. The friends who are more willing to shape me and respect me are the ones I grow with and grow from the most.”
Distancing yourself from toxic friends
Organic Authority writer Aylin Erman writes about how a true friend will be encouraging of your growth. She also shares a few reasons why people might consider doing what she calls a friendship cleanse:
- “Your friend encourages behaviors you are outgrowing. These may include smoking, drinking, drugs, sexual promiscuity, bad eating habits, excess spending, and laziness, among others.
- Your friend has betrayed you in the past.
- Your friend talks badly about others behind their backs and is consistently negative about other people’s successes, including yours.
- You don’t have much in common with your friend anymore and feel like there is little to talk about.
- You don’t have fun with your friend and feel like you are forcing interaction just to be nice.
- Your friend constantly talks about him/herself and doesn’t care much about your life.
- You only enjoy your friend’s company when you feel a certain way. Does your friend only serve a specific emotional purpose and nothing else?”
Erman continues, “If a friend exhibits many of the above qualities but you still think he or she is worth keeping in your life, initiate a serious conversation about the changes you are making to your own behaviors and gauge his or her reaction.”
Halston Wood, a senior from California majoring in TESOL, said there’s good in everyone. “Some of us just struggle with different things. Sometimes those things, unfortunately, are considered toxic traits. You love these people and you want to appreciate them and love the good in them, but there are some things that just hurt you… for me, when I start to recognize that, I start to distance myself.”
To do that, Wood said he’s careful to never say anything mean or hurtful to others. “I just want to make sure I’m okay. It’s nothing against them, I’m just taking care of myself. A good distance is healthy in that case.”
According to Wood, a quality a good friend has is forgiveness. “I think forgiveness is so huge because we’re not perfect… mistakes are mistakes for a reason. When we’re able to learn how to forgive one another that’s when we have Christlike attributes between friends.”
Huhtala said everyone has friends who can tear them down instead of lifting them up. “We always talk about Christlike love and forgiveness. But I feel like we tend to mix up reconciliation and forgiveness. If someone hurts you, yes, we should forgive them, but that doesn’t mean we have to let them continually walk all over us and harm us.
“I don’t think God wants us to do that in friendships or any other kind of relationships.”
Helping her friends understand where she’s coming from is something Huhtala said she tries to do. “Distancing ourselves from toxic relationships can be kind of hard to navigate sometimes, so communication is a big thing for me. If you let someone know, ‘Hey, when you say this it hurts me… or when you do this I feel like it’s not helping me and you’re tearing me down.’ It depends on the person.
“You can try to gradually and naturally distance yourself from the relationship [by being honest.]”
Payal Devi, a freshman from Fiji majoring in marine biology, said a good friend is “someone who is loyal and stands up for you.” But when asked how she protects herself from friends who are a bad influence on her, her roommates started to laugh.
Shantall Morales, a freshman from Mexico studying psychology exclaimed, “Don’t ask her! She’s the bad influence!”
When the laughter died down, Shantall’s sister, Katya Morales, a freshman from Mexico majoring in business supply chain, said sometimes people just drag each other down instead of lifting one another up. “There are always limits… people want to see you happy, but sometimes they don’t want to see you happier or more successful than they are. The important thing is to be polite and civilized but it’s okay to keep your distance.”
Iliana Suaava, a freshman from Ewa Beach, Oahu majoring in business management and human resources, said she just recently ended a friendship. “It’s awkward. I’m just not talking to them as much but I feel way better. I feel free.
“She made me feel like I had to be there for her all the time and she always made me feel guilty whenever I wasn’t with her. And that’s not what friendship is. I was just honest with her and gradually started to distance myself from her.”
When it comes to distancing herself from toxic relationships, Hanson said for her it’s like flipping a switch. She shared a story about a girl she met in high school who took advantage of their group of friends. Hanson said this girl pretended to be their friend and claimed to be financially unstable so the rest of them would raise money to buy her things.
After they all graduated, Hanson said this friend confessed she’d been lying and told them all she hated them. Hanson concluded, “After we found out, I couldn’t see her the same way. I just couldn’t socialize with her like I used to. Looking back, she was toxic and there were warning signs, but we didn’t see them because we liked each other. Chopping her completely out of my life was just the easiest thing for me because all feelings of friendship were gone.”
Spring cleaning your “friendscape”
In an article written for Psychology Today, Suzanne Degges-White describes what a relationship cleanse means. “Basically, it's an opportunity to clean up your social network by letting go of friends who bring you down, lead you astray, or otherwise get in the way of your efforts to live the best life you possibly can.
“Sometimes, you’ve got to let go of a relationship entirely; sometimes you might just need to integrate an attitude change and a behavioral shift. Making a fresh start sometimes requires dropping someone from your social life, Facebook account, Twitter feed, or speed dial. Other times, all it takes is letting a friend know that you are shaping up and trying to make better choices.”
Degges-White writes about when it’s time to make a cleanse. “Often, we don’t realize our friendscapes are in need of an overhaul until we find ourselves at the edge of a metaphorical cliff—or facing the fallout from an episode that was significantly detrimental to our well-being.
“As the seasons change, we are often motivated to ‘spring clean’ our homes. It's also a good time to ‘cleanse’ our lives of people and behaviors that weigh us down. Research shows that friendships that bring us down or create conflict are worse for our well-being than having fewer friendships in total.
“Make the choice to cleanse your life of toxic friends who support poor behaviors and let go of the people who encourage you to stay down with them.”
Writer: Emi Wainwright