According to adopted students at BYU–Hawaii, there is a stigma to being adopted. They said people ask them about their biological family and their relationship to their adopted families.
BYUH faculty member Tom Court shared his experience with adoption after he and his wife adopted their three sons from China. He said the decision came from a push from the Spirit and it was worth every effort.
Adopting from China
Court, an assistant professor of TESOL, said they adopted three children from China, all over the age of 12. He said he and his wife always had a positive opinion about adoption. However, he said they did not feel strong enough to handle the emotional aspects of foster parenting, which is the most common road to adoption in the United States.
International adoption was the only other option, he said, but the finances involved with international adoption seemed insurmountable to Court. When his wife saw their first son’s face on a website dedicated to helping older special needs children find families, he said, “We felt the Spirit pushing, not prompting, pushing us to move forward.”
The adoption process took between 12 and 18 months per child. Each had unique challenges, said Court.
According to him, finances were the biggest problem with the first child. During the second adoption, time was the problem they faced. Court said he and his wife had to get everything done before their second son turned 14 because at age 14, children are no longer eligible for adoption. Court said luckily they were able to finalize the adoption one month before his 14th birthday.
Their third adoption was much closer, he said, as they finalized everything four days before his 14th birthday. Along with time constraints, with their third son, they dealt with health issues and he spent his first three weeks in the United States in a hospital for kidney failure, heart failure, anemia, and severe anorexia.
Court said he is grateful for his sons. “[I] don’t want to imagine life without them. We’re very inspired by their strength of character and determination to overcome challenges.”
Overcoming the linguistic and cultural challenges coming from adopting an adolescent from China is a work in progress, said Court. “Some days we definitely manage it better than others.” Court and his wife are both English language teachers and said their combined experiences have been an asset with overcoming the initial linguistic challenges.
The couple lived in Japan for four years, and he said this helps them relate to their sons in their efforts to navigate a foreign culture.
According to Court, life in an orphanage is dreary. “All three of our sons had very grim prospects for the future growing up in these institutions.” From this experience, Court said children belong in families not in institutions, and encouraged people to adopt as well.
Adopted students’ stories
Marisa Firth, a junior from Utah majoring in TESOL, was born in China and was adopted when she was 18 months old. She expressed her gratitude for Heavenly Father and His plan for families. She explained her mother’s original plan was to adopt from Russia. However, the Spirit told her, “Your child is in China.”
Firth said she does not know what life would be like if she was not adopted, but said her life now is better because of it. She said, “The gospel taught me I wasn’t missing anything.”
Thomas Nebeker, a sophomore from New Mexico majoring in biology, is also adopted. He explained had he not been adopted, his life would be incredibly different.
Nebeker said he would not have the gospel in his life, served a mission, or attended BYU–Hawaii. He said, “Because of those blessings, I’m eternally grateful.”
Fighting the stigma of being adopted
Firth shared she had always known she was adopted. She said it was not because her mother is Caucasian and she is Asian, but it was because her mother was open with her about it.
“I love my mom. We are very close, and there is so much love,” said Firth.
Firth attributes her positive feelings of adoption to their closeness and openness. She also credits her knowledge of the gospel for her positive outlook.
Firth said people often think of adoption as a struggle and something to overcome. She said this stems from the assumption “just because they didn’t birth you, they aren’t your real parents.”
However, Firth said she does not see it that way. “It’s not weird, and it doesn’t have to be something to be weird about. Why make it a problem when it can be an addition?”
There is a grey area with adoption, according to Nebeker. He said, “Most people are unsure how to approach a dialogue about adoption and may stumble over their words.”
He said he does not correct people when they ask about his “real parents” when referencing his biological parents.
Nebeker said, “I just call my biological parents my birth parents and my adoptive parents my real parents. I make it as clear as I can so everyone is comfortable and doesn’t feel weird.”
Nebeker shared recently he was contacted by his birth family. He said although he is still trying to wrap his head around everything, “it was exciting to know more about where I came from.
“It was weird to see a picture of my birth father and see someone who looks so much like me, to the point I could say, ‘That’s my dad. That’s my biological father.’”
Nebeker said although it is surreal to have his birth family reach out to him, it has also made him more grateful for his “real family.” He said this is because now he knows exactly what his life would have been like. He said, “This one is better.”