Having to go through preterm labor and knowing she would lose her son, Ema Kaka, a senior from New Zealand majoring in elementary education, recalled the mental and emotional pain of knowing that she had to end her son’s life. She said, “I couldn’t believe I was doing that. But the doctors said, ‘If you keep him in, you’re risking your own life as well as your child’s.’
“My husband [Conway] told me, ‘You have to remember Heavenly Father’s going to be there with open arms, welcoming our son back to heaven.’ I said, ‘I can’t. I can’t feel that right now.’
“And he said, ‘No one else has this knowledge that our son is going to be with Heavenly Father again. He’s going to love him unconditionally until we return again.’ That gave me the strength I needed to push him out.”
When Kaka lost her son, Sol, she said she was in the middle of school and stayed in school doing current assignments, passed midterms and finals while working 40-hour weeks and dealing with the loss. She shared, “I always wondered how I even did that. I remembered it was because of the relationship I had with my Heavenly Father and putting my trust and faith in his hands knowing it would all work out.”
Finding out about being pregnant
“We were married for about a year and a half before the first time I got pregnant. The first time we found out, it was Christmas Eve and I was so excited. I always wanted to have a baby, and it was perfect timing like a Christmas present.
“When I first looked at [the pregnancy test], it was negative and I was frustrated because I’d been trying to get pregnant. But when I looked at it again, it was positive. I tried surprising my husband, but he was just so nosey and was like, ‘Let me see. Let me see!’ I kept telling him it was negative, but he insisted so I told him about our Christmas present. We just started crying because we had wanted it so long. It was exciting.”
“The second time, it was a little different. I was excited but a little more nervous because of what had happened the first time. I did the pregnancy test by myself because my husband was at work. I just remember praying and thanking Heavenly Father for this pregnancy. It was such a blessing at the time because I really needed it. My husband cried as well, because after my first pregnancy, it was a tender mercy from Heavenly Father.” But the second pregnancy ended up being ectopic meaning the baby was outside of the uterus and not viable.
When they knew something was wrong the 1st time
“I was just having a nap because I was always tired, and I woke up and I had killer back pains. I just assumed I had pregnancy back pains. Usually when people get contractions, it’s in their stomach, but I got them all in my back. I was confused. Then I thought I was constipated, so I tried to go to the bathroom and I think that aggravated it. I started crying because it was so painful, and my husband finally convinced me to just go to the hospital.
“We went to Kahuku [Medical Center], and they told me I had a UTI and inside I kind of knew something was happening because it was coming in waves like contractions. But it was so early, so I was like, ‘Oh no, this isn’t right. It can’t be. I can’t be in labor.’”
“They did tests, called my OB, and they were like, ‘You’re not in labor. You’ve probably got kidney stones or something.’ Then they asked me to stand up and walk around and there was blood all over the bed. I immediately panicked and started crying, and my husband grabbed me and told me it was going to be okay. I was like, ‘It’s not okay!’ You know how they tell you not to stress when you’re pregnant, but when those things happen it’s really hard not to panic.
“They rushed us to Kapi’olani [Medical Center for Women and Children]. It’s the best hospital ever. I was nervous because they told me not to worry and that I still wasn’t in labor. I was thinking I was fine. We got there and I wasn’t with my original OB/GYN, so I was nervous. But then he did a cervix check, which was really uncomfortable, and he told me, ‘There’s no other way to say it, but you’re in preterm labor and you’re two centimeters dilated.’
“As a young married couple, we were so excited to have our first baby. Our family obviously didn’t know what was happening because it was so sudden, and we didn’t know what to do. We didn’t know how to feel. We were in so much shock. At this point, we were just wishing for a miracle.”
Five hours with Sol
“I remember when I saw him, he was just so beautiful. I was pleading with the doctors, ‘You really can’t do anything? Please just do something.’ They told me they could, but it would kill him if they tried to resuscitate his lungs.
“It was really hard for me to see my son. He was more developed than he was supposed to be, which was good, but he was not developed enough. He was just so little. I could see his heartbeat. I could see him struggling to breathe. As a mother, it was so hard watching my child die in front of me.
“I was so lucky to have my husband there, my mom and my dad on Skype, my mother-in-law was there. My husband’s whole family ended up coming to be there for us. I’m so glad they all got to meet him and sing him songs.
“I just remember we moved to another room, and I was holding him and the nurse said she was going to check. She looked up at me and shook her head, and my son was gone. His body was there, but you could feel that his spirit was gone. I couldn’t believe he was there for maybe five hours, then he was gone. It was really good to be with him, have the skin-to-skin, meeting family. But it was definitely hard when she pronounced his death. It was the worst thing in the world. I was only 20 when it happened.”
“When I was going through all of that, I remember having so much resentment toward Heavenly Father. It was such an ugly feeling for me. I was born and raised in the church, and I’d never really felt this way.
“For someone who gave me life, who gives me breath every single day, I didn’t know what to do with those feelings. How could he give me such a beautiful blessing and take it away so fast? I was happy that I got to be with my son, but I was really upset this was the way I had to meet him. When they pronounced his death, my husband said he was going to give him a priesthood blessing. I don’t remember what was said, but I remember how I felt. It was a huge overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort. If I didn’t have the gospel and the knowledge, I wouldn’t be able to go through this challenge.
“Experiencing that changed my life, so then going through the ectopic pregnancy I’d really prepared myself. I’m strong enough to understand that this is Heavenly Father’s plan for me. We can’t control what trials we have in our life, but we can control the way we react toward those trials.
“Natalie Norton shared the story about her son who passed away from whooping cough. In one of her talks, she was talking about when she was holding her son who passed away. She was like, ‘How am I going to let go of my son?’ It made me think about when I was with my son, not wanting to leave him. She said she said a prayer to herself, and she felt a huge peace from Heavenly Father that helped her let go of her son, knowing she could return to be with him again.
“I thought, ‘If a mother is capable of letting go of her child, she’s capable of doing anything.’ I live by that every single day. My son motivates me to do better things and be a better person. He motivates me to be capable every day, take chances, and take risks.”
Finding peace through mental & emotional pains
“I am pro-counseling. People grieve differently. I was a cry baby, but my husband was more quiet. He tried to be the stronger one for me because I dealt with it harder than he did. It was really hard to talk about it without crying, and we didn’t really get to talk about things.
“Our bishop at the time was Bishop PJ Rogers, and he suggested a counselor for us. It was honestly one of the best things for both of us. Just having someone there who was a third party, helping us facilitate our conversation and deal with what we were going through.
“He made us write letters as if it were to our son. We read it out to each other and that helped us.
“It was hard for me to go back to church. I didn’t want to face the questions. I was sitting in Relief Society alone, and I remember being a wreck. My sister-in-law was going through chemo at the same time, so we would always Skype and cry about what’s happening in our lives. She literally found out she had cancer the day after my son passed. Emotionally it was tough.
“Even now when I see babies or my friends getting pregnant, it’s really hard for me to not be sad. It’s not like I have zero chance of getting pregnant, but it’s just not as simple as I thought it would’ve been. It’s a huge crying life for me right now, but it also made me realize how blessed I am in my life. The pain I have to deal with of not having a child is hard, but then again just knowing I get to be with him again brings me peace.
“When I started my blog, I prayed about it because there are so many women who are going through similar experiences. Sometimes, they think they’re so alone, and their husbands can only do so much. So when I did that, it helped me emotionally knowing that women were going through the same thing as me. We could be there for each other.”
Advice for women going through similar things
“You can have a miscarriage and be a mother. You can have an early pregnancy and be a mother. You can be infertile and be an aunty, and still be a mother. I feel like any woman who’s suffering from infertility still can be a mother, even if it’s not the way you wanted. It’s definitely not easy. Remember that you have a purpose.
“Heavenly Father put us here not just to have fun or make mistakes, but for our divine purpose. We have a life after this. There are so many women who can be mothers in the life after this. You’re beautiful. You’re capable of doing anything if you put your mind to it. Don’t let anyone else define who you are. You’re a mother. You’re a woman. We’re here to be examples and daughters of God.”
Comfort
“If I didn’t have the gospel in my life, I think I would be a wreck. Not knowing where my son would be would drive me insane. Knowing Heavenly Father has a plan for me and my family makes me feel special. He’s not just throwing this at me to punish me. He’s doing something to help me grow and learn.
“I might have another purpose here to serve women who are going through these things. Knowing I can help other people brings me comfort. Using the experiences I’ve gone through to serve other women brings me a lot of comfort whether they’re members or not.
“Family and friends provide a lot of comfort. When you get into a depressed or unhappy state, it’s really hard to let people in. Not only because you’re upset, but you also don’t want to be a burden to other people. You’re not only restricting blessings for you, but also blessings for people who want to serve you. I can name every single person who made me dinner, bought me ice cream, or came and sat with me when I cried.
“My husband has been a huge comfort. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without him. He’s my rock and he is always saying the right thing. He’s steadfast in the gospel. When things happen and I doubt myself, he’s always straightening me up. He reminds me Heavenly Father loves me, watches over me, and is blessing us.
“You can’t avoid trials and challenges. But knowing that we have Heavenly Father to comfort us when we’re down and to love us unconditionally,” she said, “is such a blessing in our lives.”
Writer: Anuhea Chen