Why setting limits can strengthen—not weaken—our closest relationships
Setting boundaries, managing relationships and handling emotional pressure are among the most common challenges students face at BYU–Hawaii when coming to Counseling Services, said psychologist John Suyama, also known as Mitch. He said those issues frequently show up in roommate disagreements, romantic relationships and family expectations that do not always align with student life.
Suyama shared students often feel tension between what their families expect and what they are realistically able to manage while in school. He said this mismatch is one of the most common issues he sees in counseling sessions. “What your family is expecting for you while you’re a student here, and what you’re able to do here are often two different things,” he said.
Boundaries, burnout, and why communication matters
Suyama said many students misunderstand boundaries, often viewing them as distancing or rejection rather than a form of emotional health. He explained protecting “your peace” is connected to mental wellbeing and becomes important when daily functioning is affected. “If something is causing problems in your life and interfering with your ability to go to work, to go to school … that is how we normally look at it,” he said.
He said communication is often the first step in resolving conflict, even when it feels uncomfortable. He illustrated this by describing how to approach those conversations: “I care enough about you that I want to fix this… I want to continue our relationship,” he said, adding that small adjustments and honest conversations can often prevent larger conflicts. Still, he acknowledged that communication takes practice and does not always go smoothly the first time.
Suyama said one of the most common struggles students face is becoming emotionally overextended by constantly helping others while neglecting themselves. He said this often leads to stress, exhaustion and long-term negative effects on wellbeing. To illustrate the importance of self-care, he referenced the common airplane safety instruction. “If the oxygen mask comes down, you have to put it on yourself first before you can put it on somebody else,” Suyama said. He added students often feel guilty for setting limits, but explained that stepping back does not mean they do not care. Suyama described how students can communicate boundaries in healthy ways: “I have a really stressful week, I’m not going to be available this week.”
Family expectations, distance, and redefining relationships
Suyama said family dynamics can become especially complicated when students return home after gaining independence in college. He explained that families often continue operating under old expectations, while students have developed new levels of independence. “People in the family still think, ‘Oh yeah, these same rules still apply,’” he said. That disconnection, he added, can lead to misunderstandings unless expectations are clearly discussed. He advised students to explain their decisions respectfully rather than avoiding communication altogether. “I would recommend being able to explain why you’re saying no … and negotiate doing that differently,” Suyama said.
He also addressed when distance in relationships may be necessary, noting that boundaries should be based on safety and respect rather than impulse. “If someone is not respecting your boundaries, then that is a good indication that you may need to create some distance,” he said. However, he emphasized that most relationships are not meant to be discarded easily. “Close relationships are like dance partners… you’re going to step on each other’s toes,” Suyama said, adding that repair, apology and communication are essential parts of maintaining strong relationships.
Mental health, guilt and seeking help
Suyama continued in encouraging students to view mental health the same way they view physical health, noting that many people wait too long before seeking help. He compared it to ignoring a lingering illness rather than addressing it early. “If it keeps going on for over a week, two weeks, I want you to be able to say, ‘Hey, maybe I should talk to a counselor,’” he said.
He also addressed common fears that prevent students from seeking support, including concerns about privacy and stigma. Counseling, he emphasized, is confidential and legally protected, and is meant to give students a safe space without judgment. He added that services are free for students and that even one conversation can help someone regain balance.
Beyond individual care, Suyama said students can also play a role in supporting one another by encouraging friends to seek help or even walking with them to counseling services. “We can support each other in those ways by promoting mental health and getting support for each other,” he said.