Three BYUH students say self-love is about motivation and purpose, not perfection
What does self-love look like when the hashtags fade and the mirror in front of you isn’t kind? Often mistaken for selfishness or self-pity, self-love means grounding yourself in faith and future goals, said three BYUH students whose routines helped them be courageous to become their authentic selves. Although it could be messy, students said they consider it a lifelong and wonderful journey.
What self-love is
Dale Herrod, a sophomore majoring in business finance from Utah, said self-love means doing things you enjoy and finding fulfillment in life. He said he is happier when he understands his purpose, knows his goals and does it. “Self-love is best manifested through goals, visions and purpose,” Herrod said.
As for Isaiah Gasmen, a sophomore majoring in information technology from the Philippines, self-love means focusing on oneself, evaluating where you can improve and trying new things. He said dancing and reading books help him learn to love himself more. “It helps me know who I am and know my worth instead of feeling like nothing,” Gasmen said.
Meanwhile, Lucy Miller, a senior majoring in elementary education from Washington, said self-love means finding things that make you happy and doing those things without other people stopping you. “It is important that everyone has a vibe or an aesthetic they follow because it helps them know themselves. And once you know yourself, you can love yourself,” she said.
Misconceptions about self-love
One of the common misconceptions about self-love is that it’s self-pity only, said Herrod. As a man, Herrod said, self-love is not a weakness. However, he said that it still depends on the person’s mindset. He continued that self-love is about growth and not staying stuck in just one place or mindset. “If self-love becomes an excuse to not grow—like saying, 'I’m bad at math so it doesn’t matter'—that’s unhealthy. But real self-love is saying, 'I can improve. Let’s keep trying and find another solution,'” Herrod said.
For Gasmen, another misconception is you cannot love others simultaneously as you love yourself. “You can always start with yourself, then proceed with others. As long as I know my worth and know how to love myself, that’s what matters,” he said. Gasmen said he shows to love others while still loving himself by being himself without pretention. “I don’t try to be someone I’m not, just to be liked. I show who I really am, and it’s up to them whether they accept it or not,” he added.
Another misconception, said Miller, is you have to be happy, and you have to love yourself all the time or self-love depends on other people. “Your self-love and self-image shouldn’t come from other people,” she said.
Unlearning beliefs about self-love
On one hand, Herrod said one of the beliefs he had to unlearn to love himself is believing he didn’t deserve joy until he accomplished something. “For example, thinking I won’t be happy until I move to Hawaii, or until I look a certain way physically,” he said. He said he needed to learn to find joy in the journey and not just the destination. “I don’t need to reach a certain goal to feel confident—I can find confidence while improving,” Herrod added.
Miller, on one hand, reiterated that self-image should work for you—knowing what’s best for yourself. She said, as an example, walking has helped her love herself more. “Exercising is important, but it has to work for you. You won’t love yourself if you’re doing things that don’t make you happy,” Miller said.
Balancing love for yourself and others
Herrod said, you can balance loving yourself and others. He continued that there is no reason for people not to be nice to each other. "Even if you’re tired and want to go home and relax, you can still be nice to people along the way,” he said. Herrod continued that setting boundaries is important and showing love too. “You can say, “I still care about you, but I’m not able to hang out today, especially when you need time for yourself, and that’s okay,” he said.
Gasmen said when you learn to love yourself, then you should be able to share that love with others. He continued that one of the things he learned from his mission is showing love to others through action. “Words are just words, but actions are louder,” he said.
Miller also said self-love means understanding yourself and your needs, but you still show up for others. She said we all have a role to play—friend, daughter, sibling, etc. “Loving yourself doesn’t excuse you from caring about others,” she said.