BYU–Hawaii students and researchers say humor helps foster and sustain love and unity in intercultural relationship
Intercultural relationships are established between two people who come from different cultural identities and backgrounds and having this kind of relationship has its own benefits and drawbacks, according to the book, “Fundamentals of Communication by LOUIS: The Louisiana Library Network.” Despite having challenges, BYU–Hawaii students and researchers shared how humor can help build and sustain intercultural relationships.
According to Dr. John Gottman, emeritus professor at the University of Washington and psychologist, one of the effective ways to strengthen relationships with your partner is by sharing humor. He said, “Couples who laugh together, last together.”
Author of “Intercultural Communication in Asia: Education, Language, and Values,” Kimie Oshima also said, “Humor can assist in the understanding and deconstructing of social and cultural expectations.” She said it can also promote mental flexibility, which allows people to understand and adopt new aspects of culture and communication.
Bridging cultural division
In the abstract of the study “The Use of Humor in Intimate Intercultural Relationships” by Gabrijela Aleksic and Nadine Thomas, the authors note humor can serve as an effective tool for bridging intercultural and interpersonal divides when applied thoughtfully. They said how humor mainly serves two functions in intimate intercultural relationships: One for bonding and another for coping.
Daniela Ocampo, a BYUH alumna from Colombia, who studied elementary education, said as a Latin American married to someone who has Asian roots can be challenging sometimes. She said, “Because we could laugh and have humor in our relationship, it became one of the reasons why we decided to continue dating despite differences.”
Her husband, Martyn Cruz Hong, a junior majoring in accounting from Malaysia, said, “Humor is one of the main reasons that made me and my wife get along. Our humor matches, and we just clicked.”
Due to certain cultural differences, she said they learned to be more understanding of each other. Ocampo added, “My husband is really good at addressing our differences. We can look back at our silly fights and just laugh at it.” She said understanding cultural contexts is important to fully understand your partner.
In the book “Intercultural Communication in Contexts, 8th edition,” authors Judith Martin and Thomas Nakayama, shared some of the benefits in an intercultural relationship include “increasing cultural knowledge, challenging previously held stereotypes, and learning new skills.” Challenges may also occur due to differences between cultural identities that may create anxiety and tension, the authors say.
According to the authors, “Negative stereotypes may also hinder progress towards relational development, especially if the individuals are not open to adjusting their preexisting beliefs.” Hence, they said intercultural relationships may take more work to nurture, maintain, and need a combined effort, time and patience to help each other increase cultural awareness.
A mindful usage to humor
Humor is pretty complicated, according to The Gottman Institute website. “If we want to use it in a way that builds and maintains healthy, loving and strong connections, we must be mindful,” the website added.
Poliahu Wells, a junior from Hawaii studying biology, said there are also cultural aspects in humor so it is important to know what is considered offensive or not. She shared an experience when she and her husband, Simon Teng, a junior majoring in finance and accounting, were hanging out with some of her husband’s friends.
Because her husband is Malaysian and can also speak Mandarin, she said he can easily share the same humor with his Chinese friends. One time, when they were having fun, one of their friends asked Teng what his “pet name” was for her, a term for endearment.
“In America, we use ‘babe, baby’, and he was like, ‘You’re my whale, ’” recalled Wells. She said she was shocked when Teng said that. “I used to be a chubby kid and he had no idea. He didn’t realize how deep-rooted this was,” she expressed.
In the Western world, she said, “being called a ‘whale’ means being called ‘fat’.” She remembered looking at their Chinese friends, and she said they were all saying how it was cute and how the pet name fits her. “They were not phased at all. I got confused, and so I asked one of them to explain why it was cool,” she said.
Teng said in Chinese culture, being called a “whale” means that a person is unique. “It is considered a compliment because whales are rarely seen in China,” he explained. Wells added the symbolism of “whale” in Chinese culture is similar to being called a “diamond” or “gem” in the Western culture.
From then on, she said because she was informed of its cultural context, they began to integrate “whales” in their relationships such as using whale emojis and calling each other “whales” affectionately.
Language is a big thing in intercultural relationships, she said. “It took us a while not only to get comfortable talking to each other, but also for him to talk about his past or talk about deeper topics.” She said from that experience she learned sometimes Teng used certain words not with the intention of being offensive, but because that is the only vocabulary he knows.
Wells encouraged people, especially those dating interculturally, to make sure to try to learn how the other person communicates and show their interest or love. She said, “When you come from two different cultures and countries, it is important to do the simple things first and learn how to understand each other’s point-of-views.”
