Intercultural couples with spouses from the islands of the Pacific to New York City said focusing on their shared gospel convictions makes for successful marriages despite cultural differences ranging from food on the dinner table to difficulty communicating with in-laws in another language. They also said they have been blessed by their marriages to understand more about themselves and learned no one culture is better than another.
Gospel unites couples
Despite differences in cultural backgrounds, married couples said the gospel helps unify them in their marriages. Melina Sy, a junior from Utah studying marine biology and Hawaiian studies, said the gospel helps her marriage, with her husband from the Philippines. “The biggest thing to keep in mind is that you have the gospel culture.
“The little things like manners and food are important, but what’s most important is you share the gospel culture and the eternal vision. Focus on that because it’s more important than anything else.”
Sy continued, “Even though we have different ideas about a lot of things, and we come from countries with different cultures, we have the gospel culture. That unites us. We both grew up in the church and have those core values that are the same.”
Justin Ioane is a junior accounting major from Samoa, and his wife is from Mongolia. He said, “The thing that brings us together is the principles of the gospel. The gospel helps us to find common ground. Our goals are centered around the gospel, and that holds us together.”
Serena Ioane, a junior majoring in communications from Mongolia, echoed her husband’s comments. She said, “The gospel gives foundation to our family. We met because he was my home teacher. As we were dating we went to the temple together and read our scriptures together every day. Our relationship is based around the gospel.”
According to Ono Ly, a junior majoring in business finance and accounting from Tahiti, said the gospel provides his marriage to his wife whose ethnicity is Mexican but grew up in New York, with a solid foundation. “We are both converts to the gospel, went on missions and the church has helped us a lot to come together. The gospel culture gives us a strong foundation. It helps us to meet at a certain point.”
Cultural differences met with humility and adjustments
Sy said one of the cultural differences she and her husband face are deciding what to eat. “A big [problem] we have run into is food. We grew up eating totally different foods. I never ate or heard of many of things he eats. Sometimes he’ll cook me things I won’t really like, or I’ll cook him something and he’ll ask me, ‘Where is the rice?’
“It’s not something we fight over. It’s just an adjustment we have had to make. You have to remind yourself just because they don’t like the food doesn’t mean they don’t like you or the traditions.”
Sy’s husband, Kim Sy, a junior from the Philippines studying biomedical sciences, said he has to get used to American culture that differs from his own. “Americans have so many holidays. There are holidays for everything here, which I’m not used to in the Philippines. Filipinos also don’t call older people by their names. They have titles.”
Talking about the differences between Samoan and Mongolian culture, Justin Ioane said, “The base of our culture is similar, but the way we practice it is quite different. As a Samoan I’m very outspoken, and I like to go outside and be with people, make jokes and have fun. She is a quite different. Mongolians tend to be a bit more reserved.”
Serena Ioane jokingly added, “My mom came here when I gave birth. She doesn’t speak English or Samoan so there was a lot of sign language between my mom and Justin. I’m trying to learn Samoan. I’m taking a Samoan class, and I have Samoan words around the house. He’s trying to learn Mongolian, but that isn’t going very well.”
Another cross-cultural problem Aline Ly said she and her husband experienced was about public displays of affection. She is of Mexican descent and a senior from New York majoring in hospitality and tourism management, and he is from Tahiti in the South Pacific. She said, “Being Hispanic we are very touchy feely. We let people know we love them by hugging, holding their hand and stuff. That’s something he was not used to.”
Deciding where to live after graduating was another issue the couple had to work out, said Ono Ly. “She is from a big city. I’m from a small island. We think Hawaii is a good compromise because there are cities here, good work opportunities and also it provides a relaxed island life. We met in the middle on where we want to be.”
BYU–Hawaii Counseling Services employees said although there are no specific programs or groups for intercultural relationships, they have held workshops and outreach events in the past to address intercultural relationships. In those workshops couples were given advice on how to navigate cultural barriers and taught communication skills.
The blessings of intercultural marriage
Kim Sy said although there are some challenges in an intercultural marriage, there are blessings as well such gaining greater understanding of cultures and themselves. “Being in an intercultural marriage, you learn a lot about your own culture too. You see the good and the bad things about your own culture. We also gain a broader understanding and perspective because of our different backgrounds.”
Adding to her husband’s comments, Melina Sy said, “There is no culture that is better or right. It’s just that some cultures do something differently. There are a lot of fun things we have learned about each other's cultures. He’s learned about American holidays and I have learned a lot about food, and Filipino customs.”
Blending two cultures in a marriage helps create a new culture, according to Aline Ly. She said, “When you get married you make your own culture. As much as you think your culture is more important than who you’re dating or your spouse, you make a new culture together, taking the best parts from your culture and making something truly great and better.”
Serena Ioane encouraged intercultural couples saying, “Follow your heart and be brave. Don’t be afraid of what others might say. It can be hard at times, but if you can overcome that, the blessings are way greater. Intercultural marriage is amazing. It blesses you in so many ways.”
Writer: Will Kruger