Speaking each other’s love languages helps couples navigate challenges with greater unity and compassion, say BYUH married students
According to the book "The 5 Love Languages," people express and receive love in various ways such as through acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time and receiving gifts. By understanding these love languages in themselves and their spouses, BYU–Hawaii married students shared they deepened their connections, identified the causes of conflicts and fostered stronger relationships in their marriages.
Acts of service
Logan Fepulea’i, a senior from New Zealand majoring in elementary education, described her husband, Malone Fepulea’i, as someone who expresses and receives love through actions rather than words. As the oldest son in his family, she said he naturally took on the role of taking care, being responsible and setting an example, especially for his younger brothers. “He’s always been independent. So when others take the time to serve him, whether through small gestures or significant acts, it means a lot to him,” she continued.
One moment that stood out to her was after one of his rugby games. Despite being sore and exhausted, she said he still wanted to help around the house. Knowing he wouldn't rest, she said she carried the heavier groceries. “When he saw what I had done, he thanked me and… still tried to do more, putting groceries away and even offering to take me to McDonald’s because he knows how much I love Uncle Ronald’s place,” she said with a laugh.
She said knowing her husband's love language has changed how she expresses love. “Instead of just words and gifts, I now focus on actions that make his life easier, like preparing for rugby games, cooking a meal or helping before he asks,” she said. She has learned to be intentional about supporting him when he’s overwhelmed, she added.
Understanding his love language has strengthened their marriage, she shared. She added acts of service soften him, open him up and create a space where he feels truly seen and appreciated. “Serving together, whether at home, in church or for others, has also brought us closer,” she continued.
Despite their shared cultural background, she said there was a time she misunderstood how her husband expressed his love. She said she grew up in a family that constantly said, “I love you,” before school, before bed and after every phone call. “I used to expect more verbal affirmations, and when he didn’t say, ‘I love you,’ as often, I sometimes felt like he wasn’t as expressive,” she said. Over time, she said she realized his way of showing love wasn’t about words but through his actions, and “I learned to appreciate the little things he does.”
For those preparing for marriage, she advised, “Take time to understand each other’s love languages and work on loving them in the way they understand best. It makes your life and love life so much easier.”
Words of affirmation
Malone Fepulea’i, a senior from Samoa majoring in information technology, shared his wife’s love language is “words of affirmation.” At first, he shared he struggled with expressing his love through words. “My wife and I are complete opposites, but it’s true what they say, opposites attract.” He’s never been one to talk much, but he said marriage taught him the importance of words. He said, “I’ve learned to say, ‘I love you,’ and ‘I’m sorry,’ more often,” even when it’s hard."
One evening after a tough day, he said his wife started venting to him. “I used to just listen and say, ‘Aww,’ hoping that would make her feel better, but I quickly noticed it wasn’t enough,” he shared. One day, he said he decided to pause and truly show her how much he cared by hugging her and saying, “I’m so sorry to hear about your day. Everything will be okay, and I love you so much.” Then he immediately saw her smile and feel lighter, he added. “She trusts me when I reassure her, and that means the world to her, ” he said.
Although adjusting to his wife’s love language was a learning process, he said it has strengthened their relationship. At first, he said he didn’t fully understand what it meant for her to hear these affirming words. “I thought my actions would speak louder, and sometimes, they did, but I realized for her, hearing, ‘I love you,’ or ‘I’m proud of you,’ is just as important as anything I could do,” he said. “Now, I’m more intentional about finding those moments to affirm her, especially when she’s feeling down or stressed.”
As their two-year anniversary approaches, he said understanding each other’s love languages has strengthened their marriage. “It’s made our bond deeper, like we’re newlyweds. We know how to support each other through words, actions or just being present,” he said. Learning to express love in his wife’s way, he added, has made him a better husband and person. “I’m grateful for her love and commitment in showing it in a way that speaks to her heart,” he said.
Physical touch
Kelvin Uili, a junior from Samoa studying information technology, said his wife’s primary love language is physical touch. “She loves being hugged, cuddled and holding hands,” he said. “I know she feels loved this way. It makes her happy and creates an emotional bond between us,” he said.
He said he makes an intentional effort to speak his wife’s love language daily. “Every day I come home from school and work, I always make sure to give her a long, warm hug to show my appreciation for all she does for our family while I am away,” he said.
Understanding his wife’s love language has helped him strengthen their relationship, he said. “She is my priority, and making sure she feels loved through her love language also makes me happy,” he said. It has also helped him to show her support and reassurance, especially in stressful situations, he added.
However, learning to express love in this way has not always been easy, he said. In Samoan culture, he explained public display of affection is not widely accepted. “I grew up not seeing that in my family with my parents, and it has been a learning challenge for me to express love in that meaningful way to my wife,” he said.
Recognizing each other’s love languages has helped them live the teachings of the gospel, he said. “When we understand each other’s love languages, we can better minister to each other,” he added.
Quality time
Kelvin Uili’s wife, Valentina, said she understands the power of words and spending quality time with each other. For her husband, she said spending quality time holds deep significance. “My husband is big on communicating and talking things out, saying, ‘I love you,’ expressing gratitude and compliments. It's his thing,” Uili said. When she says these things right back to him, she said it makes him extremely happy. “He is a very simple man who never expects anything, but I know that little things like these mean a lot to him,” she added.
She recalled a moment when her husband opened up about a challenge during his studies. As time went by, she said it was never brought up again. Later, she said he vulnerably shared he wished she had followed up to see how he was doing. “It made me realize that, behind his strength in leading, providing, working and studying, he just needed me to check in and spend quality time with him,” she shared.
Communication was something she had to work on, she said. “I am an emotional person and would always prefer to tuck my feelings away when things get hard,” she said. But even in those times, she added, “I know it makes my husband happy when I choose to talk things out with him instead of bottling them up inside and expecting him to read my mind.”
By making an effort to speak her husband’s love language, Valentina Uili has seen a positive change in their marriage. She said she believes by recognizing and using the different love languages, “disagreements are most definitely cut short, and we come out of them with increased love, patience and understanding for one another when we, well, I choose to set my pride aside and communicate immediately instead of letting them drag on,” she said.
Despite their efforts, she said misunderstandings still arise. On tough days, she shared when she shuts him out, “I misinterpret his attempts to get me to talk as making things worse, but he’s just trying to communicate,” she said. They’ve learned it’s okay to pause, but not for too long, she added. She said she learned, “It’s us against the problem, not each other.”
Through these experiences, she said they have learned that love is an ongoing choice. She said, “President [Thomas S.] Monson’s, ‘Choose your love; love your choice,’ may sound cliché, but truer words were never spoken,” she said.
Receiving gifts
Dorjpagam Ariunbaatar, an alumna from Mongolia, said she and her husband express love through thoughtful gifts. Whenever she casually mentions something she’d like, her husband always makes sure to get it for her, she said. “He never says he’ll buy it, so it’s always a surprise, and it makes my heart flutter,” she continued.
She recounted one moment that deeply touched her. After deciding to quit soda with caffeine and sugar, she casually told her husband she wanted to switch to sparkling water instead of Pepsi. But soon after, she said she found their fridge stocked with all kinds of sparkling water. “Those small actions show me how much he cares about me,” she said sharing her gratitude.
Ariunbaatar said she enjoys expressing her love by making handmade gifts for her loved ones. From crochet pieces to embroidery and other crafts, she said she enjoys making handmade gifts, pouring her heart into each one. Instead of buying things from the store, she said, “I want to give something that shows how much they mean to me and how grateful I am for them,” she said.