BYUH marriage counselor and senior missionaries say communication, a willingness to grow and an effort to spend time together is essential in marriage
Marriage is a difficult yet wonderful commitment in which couples can learn and grow, said a BYU–Hawaii marriage counselor and two senior couple missionaries.
Communication & commitment
According to the University of Rochester Medical Center website, communicating with your partner is the best way to maintain a happy and successful marriage. This sentiment is shared by Elder Lee Young, a senior missionary from Idaho who works at the Counseling Center as a marriage counselor. He said having solid communication and the ability to solve problems helps a relationship last. Young said, “If you are committed, you can get through any problem.”
Elder Darrell Danny Brock, a senior missionary from California who is working in the Career Services department and Sister Kelly Brock, a senior missionary from Utah who is serving as the mother and baby resources nurse, said they have been married for 46 years.
“I think marriage is about consultation, sharing, giving and taking,” said Danny Brock. He said it is also about setting goals and accomplishing them together. Kelly Brock shared her perspective about what a healthy relationship looks like, saying, “It is being able to discuss your feelings and concerns with each other and not being afraid of making each other mad. Because sometimes you might, but it’s okay.”
Young shared, “The best place to learn about yourself, learn about life or learn about relationships is within marriage.” He said everything may not be perfect in relationships but partners smooth off each other’s rough edges. Lee said in times when people feel bad and struggle, it is important to communicate, reach out and receive and give help.
Young and his wife are still growing and learning together after almost 40 years of being married, he said. To communicate is to share not only the best version of yourself but also the honest version of yourself, he added. “If you’re hurting, if you’re struggling, if you’re sad, share that and communicate,” he continued.
“We have grown, matured and developed,” Young said, explaining it has not been an easy process but it is a lifelong pursuit of learning how to understand yourself and each other better. “When we have a problem, we communicate and work it out really fast,” he said.
Young said the biggest problem he has seen couples encounter is when they hold things in, causing them to be resentful. He said those who were committed and communicated in their relationship stayed together even if they had serious difficulties. “You’ve got to be in it for the long haul,” he added.
Choosing to be kind
Kelly Brock shared a quote she heard while listening to tapes about relationships, “It is better to be kind than to be right.” She shared an experience she and her husband had when she corrected her husband in front of people, thinking she had to make sure he was right about all the details he shared. “It made him feel bad,” she said. Kelly Brock said one of their children told her she did not need to make sure her husband was absolutely right in every detail, and it was okay if he got it wrong because sometimes because people just want to hear the story. “I don’t need to be right all the time. That’s been a learning process,” she added.
Kelly Brock said, “Sometimes you just have to learn to keep your mouth shut.” She said if a person knows what they are going to say will upset their partner, it is better not to say it. “Bite your tongue sometimes and try to take the higher road,” she added. Danny Brock said this can be hard because sometimes words people don’t mean come out. Asking for forgiveness and forgiving your partner is required in times such as this, he said.
A lot of newly married couples are counseled not to go to bed mad at each other, said Kelly Brock, “But I think we are always better after a good night’s sleep.” She said couples fight more when they are tired. “Just go to bed and think about it in the morning,” she advised.
“Relationships and marriage are supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be joyful. It is not easy, but you gotta laugh,” said Young. Kelly Brock said even after 46 years of being married to her husband, they are still continuously growing. “You will always have opposition in your life,” she shared.
Young explained, “Marriage is a wonderful, beautiful thing to help you grow.” He said it is a beautiful journey ahead for anyone who undertakes it.
Balancing differences
A good quality of a healthy relationship between partners is having "differentiation," said Young. He explained, “It is knowing who you are, taking good care of yourself and knowing your relationship needs to be taken care of.”
He said if both partners have that mindset, both will bring the best versions of themselves, the true, honest and authentic version of who they are, into the relationship.
To maintain a healthy sense of self in a relationship, Young said it is important to take care of personal physical, spiritual, emotional and social needs. “It is a process. It’s not like it happens quickly. We are always growing and learning,” he said.
“You adjust yourself. Don’t expect the other person to change,” said Young. He said if partners have the same mindset of changing first, it allows partners to grow and mature. “Turn to learn and grow and develop yourself. "As partners take forward steps in their relationship, they will change, he said. If they are there for each other, it will be a wonderful journey, said Young.
Young advised, “You don’t want to marry someone who’s like you. Marry someone who is different.” Learning and combining those differences makes a beautiful union, he said. “You don’t have to be the same.Take good care of yourself and then take good care of the relationship,” he shared.
“You’re going to have differences. You will have conflicts and disagreements and you will learn how to solve problems,” said Young. People must also keep applying the skills they have learned, he said. He said being humble, being aware, being willing to change and admitting your mistakes are essential to
a healthy relationship. Young shared, “You’re not going to do it perfectly and neither is your spouse.”
Relationship vitamins
Kelly Brock said when she worked as a nurse, she often had varying shifts at different times. She said she and her husband didn’t have Friday night date nights like other couples do, but her husband would bring their children to the hospital to have dinner with her. She said, “Taking time for each other, maybe that is the vitamin of our relationship.” Danny Brock said serving together is one of the ways they keep their relationship strong and healthy.
“We have different interests in things,” said Kelly Brock. She said she likes to go out and play pickleball, while her husband likes
to hunt or go out with his friends. “I’m okay with that, and if I have something, he would also say, ‘You go. It’s okay,’” she said. “We don’t have to do everything together,” she said.
Young said he and his wife like to spend time with their family. He shared, “We like to recreate. So we do a lot of outdoor activities together.” He said they are scuba divers and they like traveling around the world. “Find similar interests and ... discover different parts of yourself and your spouse,” he said.
Dating tips
“Everybody wants to teach somebody how to do something they are good at,” said Danny Brock. He said taking classes, joining clubs and finding a group that aligns with a personal interest or a couple’s interest can help them. "Put yourself out there,” he said.
Kelly Brock said a date does not have to be an expensive night out. She said it could be going out for a walk or getting an ice cream. While dating, Kelly Brock said, “Don’t be afraid to go out and get to know people.” Take your time getting to know someone and finding out how they are in different situations, she added.
Young shared, “Lower your expectations, get to know people and trust in yourself. He said a person should not pretend to be someone they think someone else would want. “Love who you are. Trust who you are. Let yourself be fun. Let yourself be silly. Let you be you,” Young said.