Students and a YSA bishop say dating can be good but also challenging and how differences in dating are shaped by both home country and campus cultures
Stressful and fun, that’s what dating is like here at BYU–Hawaii, according to four BYUH students and a young single adult ward bishop. “Dating is really fun, though it is hard. But if you have the right mindset towards it, it ends up being a really fun and enjoyable thing,” said Joshua Fluckiger.
Meeting new people
Fluckiger, a freshman from Utah majoring in psychology, said dating has changed a lot for him especially after coming home from his mission. Before going on a mission, he said the only dating he would do was high school dances.
“It’s the only date I’d do because I don’t really like dating,” he explained. Although he didn’t enjoy dating, he said he saw high school dances as a fun, casual way to hang out in a group setting. Fluckiger said he wasn’t interested in dating before because he felt it too much effort to do. “I still think it is a lot of work, but I’m more willing to do it now,” he explained.
He said asking someone on a date is nerve-wracking and during dates, he finds himself anxious and stressed because he is worried about what the other person would think of him. “You want to be someone they would like,” Fluckiger said.
Alipate Latu, a bishop of the YSA Laie 11th Ward, said one of the main struggles students face at BYUH is feeling uneasy about approaching others. “Because you might get denied, and it would affect your self-esteem,” Latu said. He counseled the students to go on plenty of dates so they would be able to know exactly who they want to be and be with in the long term.
Serving a mission helped Fluckiger realize that dating is something he should do now. He said dating is now a more formal way of making new friends and meeting new people. “I need to be in a position when, if a girl comes along, [she] could be my wife. And I would be ready to be married, whether it’s now or in 10 years,” said Fluckiger. He explained dating is a way for him to prepare when that time comes. Fluckiger said it is still stressful but worth the time as it will pay off later.
Aliah Flores, a junior from the Philippines double majoring in TESOL and psychology, said her perspective of dating is influenced by the Church. “It is getting to know someone with the intention of marriage,” she said. Having a chance to date here at BYUH opened her eyes in dating, whether it be formally or without expectations, Flores shared. “Dating formally means you have an agreement to get to know each other. Dating with no expectation is more of a hang out,” Flores explained.
Kristine Jensen, a senior from Utah majoring in business management and Nakau Maunana, a sophomore from Kiribati majoring in information technology, agreed, saying dating depends on the person. Jensen and Maunana happily recalled the time they started dating. They said they met at the Kiribati Club’s opening social, began dating in January 2023, and made it official by April 2023.
Jensen said there are a lot of ways to meet new people, and joining the clubs is one of them. “Clubs are good to meet people because you join based on what you’re interested in or have a connection to,” Jensen said.
Jensen and Maunana said there is nothing wrong with jumping into a relationship right away. “But it’s okay to take it slow,” Maunana emphasized. He said he developed more patience to wait for Jensen because he liked her. Jensen said Maunana was more ready to be in a relationship, but he waited for her to be ready too. “It’s just building trust in the right order,” Jensen added.
Navigating diverse dating expectations
Flores said there is a huge difference between dating in the Philippines and BYUH. “In the Philippines, when we say dating, it is a huge thing,” she said.
Flores said Filipinos don’t do multiple dates unlike in the USA where people can go on dates with different people, and it is not be frowned upon. “In the Philippines, if you are getting to know someone, you should be exclusive,” she added.
“In Utah, dating is more of a ‘should.’ People go on a date just to date,” Fluckiger said. Comparing the mainland dating culture with the island culture, he said people here feel less obligated to date. “People from the mainland here [at BYUH] focus more on having fun as they treat it like a vacation. But people here long term, I think they date more intentionally,” Fluckiger explained.
When it comes to expectations, Fluckiger said people date to get to know others and more about himself. When he first got at BYUH, Fluckiger said he looks for people he connects really well with and who have admirable attributes. “By just being curious in a way that I’ll figure out what things other people do, that uplifts me or bring me joy,” he added. After being single again, Fluckiger said his mom counseled him to go on dates when he’s ready and be curious to help him figure out what helps him feel his best self.
Flores shared about dating, “My very own expectation of dating is I really want the guy to initiate the communication, make the first move and effort.” She said her views about dating have been influenced by the Philippines’ culture, where men have to win women over no matter what.
But Flores said living in Hawaii for the past two years helped her realize that it isn’t the case anymore. She said it was shocking for her to see women can ask men out. “If you want to put out effort, then you put out your effort, regardless of gender,” Flores said.
Growing up, Jensen said she always assumed she would date people from Utah only. “But when I came here, and there’s so many students from so many different countries, my expectations changed a little,” said Jensen. When she started dating Maunana, she said the world became so big. “There’s just so many people from all different types of places and families,” Jensen added.
“I don’t really see the other person but [also] myself. And [I] expect the other [person] to be happy too,” Maunana said regarding his dating expectations of BYUH. He said he used to think dating should be fun with no struggles and being happy all the time. But he learned that is not the case all the time, and “that it is hard,” he said. “I learned the other side too,” Maunana said, which are dealing with and learning from disagreements and arguments in relationships.
The reality of dating
The couple, Jensen and Maunana shared communication and understanding the context are some of the struggles of their relationship, especially during their first months. “There are different ideas in our heads of what’s normal. Then, when the other person does something we don’t understand, we get frustrated,” Jensen said.
Jensen shared the future scared her and that is why she wants to go as slow as possible, which is the opposite of Maunana’s goal in dating Jensen. “It’s hard if you both like each other,” Jensen said. She explained she didn’t want Maunana to think she didn’t like him. “I am just scared to date,” Jensen added. She explained dating could only go in two ways, either break up or get married. “Breakups are scary, and I think marriage is going to be new and different for me,” Jensen said.
Jensen and Maunana shared they overcame their struggles by getting to know each other. “The more you get to know someone, the more you uncover more things you didn’t know, even for yourself,” Jensen said.
“If you really like someone, you have to do your best to show that love,” Maunana shared. Jensen added they always think about how the other person might be feeling, saying sorry right away rather than being right, and forgiving them first.
Fluckiger said he thinks people here are not pressured to date and the lack of pressure does not push them to go on dates. “Pressure’s good because it helps you to do something you’re afraid to do,” Fluckiger said. He even compared asking someone out to giving a talk at sacrament meeting, he said, it gets better every single time. “The more you overcome a fear, it gets a lot easier,” he explained. Fluckiger emphasized small things can eventually turn into something big. “It’s like catching fire, little by little, people here are going to go on more dates in a matter of time,” Fluckiger added.
Jensen emphasized expectations exist for a reason, and it is not always bad. “Sometimes, you are in a good situation, and you won’t be able to tell because you’re so focused on your expectations,” she said. Realizing what is important, knowing the person you are dating for who they are and not who you want them to be should be the focus, she added. “You don’t have to be upset if they do not match something that you made up in your head,” Jensen said.
Latu said it is a good thing to have expectations as having the same qualities and goals with the person you are dating. Having similarities in goals and qualities with his wife helped him grow by not doing the same things he used to grow up with, like spanking their children, Latu added. He learned how to say sorry first as well, he said. “It was hard because I am never the person to say sorry first,” Latu added, as he was growing up.
Flores said finding prospects at BYUH is difficult because some people are just dating too casually. “Although we are in school,… not everyone has the same intention,” she said.
Being here has given her more opportunities to meet a lot of people than when she was in the Philippines, she said.
“I still get anxiety doing the first move, although it’s pretty normal here,” Flores said. She said she is still in the process of gaining more self-confidence and blocking out the “what ifs.” She added her friends advised her not to look for perfection and just allow people to learn and get to know each other.
She said the gospel also changed her perspective on dating. She said it connected it to the principle of faith and emphasized the greatest blessing of it, which is marriage. She said marriage is not freely given to anyone if not acted upon. “God wants us to make an effort as well and He’ll magnify our efforts,” Flores explained.
Words from a leader
Born in Tonga and raised in American Samoa, Latu said he was shocked when he and his wife started dating, as she was willing to display public affection. He explained public displays of affection were uncommon in his upbringing, especially since he rarely saw it between his parents. He said he eventually got used to it, being influenced by friends and things he saw in high school like hugging each other and holding hands. “It is normal. It is the American life compared to island life,” Latu said.
“[People] are going to be stuck and not be able to date someone, if they only focus on [finding] someone who should meet all their expectations,” Latu emphasized. He said students should approach dating by following what the Church leaders say. “Following the Church culture will help you find more happiness in life,” he added. He said following personal culture has complications, especially if you are dating someone not from your culture.
In his own Tongan culture, Latu said one of the complications is when somebody marries someone, they marry the whole family. That is where the struggle comes in as one might lean on the family more than his or her spouse, he continued. “Follow your heart and whoever you want to marry, practice both cultures and have mutual understanding,” Latu said. Just because they are different in terms of culture, he said, it does not have to be “push” or “pull” on one side only. “It has to be 50/50 in understanding each other’s culture, especially in multiracial marriage,” Latu added.