Not all families resemble the traditional nuclear family of a father, mother and children. According to the United States Census Bureau, 23 percent of children live with a single mother.
Mary Pols, a journalist for Time Magazine and a single mother herself, said in an National Public Radio [NPR] interview how she was treated differently for being a single mother and was often asked if she could be a parent without a man in her life. Students of single mothers shared their stories about raised by a single mother and said their moms made great sacrifices to raise them.
Growing up with a single mom
Rebecca Lee, an alumna from Indiana, said she was raised by her mother from a young age. “My parents divorced when I was 4 and my younger sister was 2. My mom had decided to keep us with her and kicked my dad out. It was a difficult decision for her but something she and her stake president had felt was right.
“For a couple years, my mom decided to stay in government housing and not work until we got a little older. After that, we started school and she started working.”
Lee said half of her friends had single parents and she did not think it was strange growing up. Her mother was not able to get her degree in accounting, but she did work in the accounting office.
“We would stay with our grandma after school until she got home. [We would] go with Grandma to work during the summers until Mom got off work. I enjoyed it until I got older and wanted to stay at home”
Not noticing anything strange while growing up with a single mother, Selu Ita, a senior from Nevada majoring in English, said she was raised by her mother from the age of 10, after her parents got divorced.
“I don’t think I noticed anything was different until I started going to other friends’ houses. As a kid, you experience life in your own world, and you grow up and realize how different your family is from others. I would only see my father once a month for my whole life anyway, so my mother basically raised me from birth on her own.”
Will Krueger, journalist for the Ke Alaka‘i said he was also raised only by his mother. Krueger, a senior from New Zealand majoring in social work, said, “It was different growing up with a single mom. You’d go to school and you’d see most kids with their dad. There would be bring-your-dad-to-school day. Sometimes I felt left out. Sometimes it was a struggle. My mom was the mom and the dad, raising us on her own.
“I didn’t really appreciate or understand her hard work until I got into my 20s. Now, I catch myself thinking and reflecting on my childhood. I still wonder how she was able to support me and my siblings on her own.
“We didn’t have much growing up, but we had enough, and she always made sure we did. She worked extremely hard and sacrificed a lot just so we could have extra things. It’s really inspiring because she would put us first no matter what.”
Judgment and stigma
Lee said her mother mentioned people criticizing her parenting at church. “I remember our church attendance wasn’t the best at that time. We were good kids and my mom did her best, so I don’t think they had anything to criticize, particularly from people who were never in the same situation she was in.”
According to Ita, her mother had to work and take care of her five children. “After my parents got divorced, my mom decided to go back to college. So she worked, went to college classes and then took care of us.
“It was really nuts. Before they were old enough, we would have to go to daycare. Daycare was a really big strain because of how expensive it was.”
She said her family would often go hungry because of the stressful financial situation from having only one caretaker. “It’s weird looking back on my childhood because the key period of getting to know my father passed by, and I didn’t get the experience most other kids get to have.”
Ita said her mother was good about staying positive, despite the difficult financial situation and the stigma of being a single mother. “At the same time though, a lot of people gave her a lot of flack. They would tell her she wasn’t being a good enough mom, or that her kids were crazy and just give her a hard time in general.”
However, Ita said receiving those comments are normal for single parents.
“At church, people were pretty supportive, but a lot of the lessons and talks given were more for traditional families, and our family was very untraditional. Hearing talks and lessons, which were about traditional families, I think was hard on my mom. Nobody really felt what she was going through.
“There were a lot of talks given about marriage in church, and how marriage is hard and you have to stick through it no matter what. That was really difficult for my mom to go through. It was really painful for her to feel she wasn’t doing enough because she wasn’t married and her family was not ‘picture perfect,’ and she didn’t have a priesthood holder in her house, which I felt we were looked down upon for.”
“Those talks and lessons have a place,” Ita said, “but they could hurt someone emotionally who may not have a ‘picture-perfect’ family.”
To stop the stigma against single mothers and single-parent families in general, Ita explained, “I feel like a lot of the time, people say things and don’t realize what they’re saying, even if they mean well. People very rarely have bad intentions, but to be supportive of single mothers, they can be more socially aware of who’s in the room, and what these mothers are going through.
“There was a lot of times when she would have to leave the house and go for a walk, because of how overwhelmed she was with everything and everyone. People need to be more patient with single-mother families.”
Ita added she, along with her siblings, struggle with self-esteem and abandonment issues, so having extra patience towards single-parent families can go along way.
Lessons learned
Krueger said his mom’s example encouraged him to be a better person in the future. “I remember my mom would say, ‘Being a single mom is the hardest job in the world.’ Looking back, I see how hard it was to take care of the house and us, along with working, and being there for us emotionally and financially.
“I definitely look to her as an example of hard work and sacrifice. I’ll take those attributes and hopefully use them as I become a parent.”
Writer: Elijah Hadley