BYUH student says there is always hope despite the chaos in life
Ryan James Escabarte, a senior from Philippines majoring in psychology said there are three things he wants people to recall when they are going through something difficult. “First, you are a human being and you'll feel sad. We are bound to feel sad and lonely, so we know what peace and joy really mean. No. 2, if no one can love you, at least you can love yourself. And third, the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ is real.”
To those who are struggling to keep up with their life, Escabarte said, “If the pain that you're feeling right now cannot be handled by your own strength, imagine that pain multiplied by the number of people who have lived in this world from the beginning of time until the end. It was put into one being who is Christ that was willing to sacrifice for us. The Savior himself had sacrificed for us.”
He continued, “I'd never thought about this before, but I think that's a tender mercy that we're here. It is hard to deal with our own battles and make the demons inside of us.” Escabarte said remembering the three things he previously shared will not only bless individuals' lives but those who they know are also struggling. “There is always hope,” he repeated.
Dr. Eric Orr, a licensed clinical psychologist and an assistant professor of the Faculty of Sciences, said the No. 1 thing that shouldn’t be done is allowing oneself to isolate, even if it’s the most tempting thing to do.
He continued, “If a person is seriously suicidal, like very intentional about it, they obviously need professional help. We have professional licensed counselors in the counseling office that have been trained on how to deal with this. People who are just friends of somebody who is suicidal really should not have to deal with that by themselves. That is a very heavy load to carry.”
Growing up, Escabarte said he had a lot of challenges he had to overcome. After completing his mission, he said his father tragically passed away. Bringing much sorrow and distress, he said his father’s passing led him into depression. Escabarte said he was confused about what lay ahead in his life and concerned about how he was going to provide for his family now that his father was gone.
Despite the uncertainty of the future, Escabarte said he always dreamed of studying at BYU–Hawaii, however, his application got rejected three times. Not getting into BYUH caused him to lose all his motivation to pursue his dreams, he said. Instead, he got a decent job, he explained, and mostly copied by binge eating, video games and scrolling through social media after work.
However, during the COVID-19 pandemic, he said he had a strong prompting to apply to BYUH again. He finally got accepted which brought him joy emotionally but he was struggling physically, he said. “I was already weighing 220 pounds back in 2020 due to the dilemma of all I was confused about. My faith in the church and my faith about myself was tested,” said Escabarte.
He said he felt insecure about the way he looked which added to his overall frustration. After getting to BYUH, Escabarte said he was struggling with his sexual identity. Retaliating and battling with his feelings for the same sex made him wonder why God is causing much confusion in him. Loneliness and sadness took control over his life, said Escabarte.
“Every single time I look at the mirror I say, ‘You're the ugliest person ever.’ I would have negative self-talk. I made mistakes. I was toxic to some and a blessing to others. But in the end, I am also a human being,” said Escabarte. It was around May 2022 when he said he decided to end his own life.
When all the chaos invaded his mind, he said he looked up options to end his life and a hotline number appeared. He said it helped him to calm his thoughts and feelings down while talking to the person on the line. He said he knelt down and prayed and there was no answer. “I was still crying. I went back to my bed and I was looking at the ceiling. I heard my mom's voice and the voice was saying, ‘If no one else can forgive you, make sure you can forgive you,’” said Escabarte.
“I tried looking in the mirror. I was still looking ugly. Then finally got the courage to say my full name. I said, “Ryan Escabarte, I'm really sorry. Can you forgive me? I didn't want to and I didn't mean to do this to you,” he said.
Escabarte said he flipped his negative thoughts and felt forgiveness from within. He expressed “his inner me” has always been there for him and he just needed to listen and love that part of him.
Vanessa Malar Latchumanan, an alumnus of BYUH and an intern at Counseling Services, said, “There are three things - question, persuade, and refer. Asking questions help them feel like there is somebody who is willing to listen and willing to talk about what they are struggling with. The second thing is persuading. When somebody is having suicidal thoughts, it can be shameful for them to admit they are having suicidal thoughts even here in the Counseling Center.”