BYUH student shares her journey of finding peace while navigating the complexities of returning home from a mission early
Anxiety and depression are unseen battles amidst the joys of a full-time mission, said Abrielle Uyehara. Missionaries get to witness miracles through finding, teaching and baptizing people, she said, however the greatest miracle she experienced on her mission happened within herself.
Discovery amidst chaos
Uyehara, a junior majoring in music from Arizona, said she served for eight months in Spain on a mission. Although it was shorter than expected, she said it was a good chapter of life for her to reflect upon. Not long after she started her mission, Uyehara said she had to train a new missionary. It wasn’t until she became a trainer that she became comfortable with the language. “I think Heavenly Father made my life crazy and chaotic on my mission so that I could learn how to seek for help,” she said.
Uyehara said in high school she knew something was wrong with her personally but didn’t know what. She didn’t have friends, would lock herself in her room and have panic attacks, she said, “but I thought it was normal. I didn’t realize that I had been suffering from a deep mental health issue until my mission.”
On her mission, she counseled with professionals, she said. Building relationships with therapists and her mission president Uyehara said helped recognize her mental health condition, and she was diagnosed with depression. It started when she was 12, she said, and escalated through high school. “My parents suspected i,t but it wasn’t something that we normally knew or talked about,” she explained.
Running a mental marathon
After starting therapy and medication on her mission, she said the situation got better, but it became harder for her to feel the Spirit. “I felt tired, exhausted and couldn’t think straight. I wanted to serve the Lord, but I didn’t feel I was doing a good job.”
While missionaries are told the only way to get blessings and perform miracles with exact obedience, Uyehara said she struggled to maintain a high level of obedience under the influence of the antidepressant. The medication made waking up early particularly difficult and that led her to feel guilty continually, she said, and caused problems with companions and people she worked with.
She added her interviews with her mission president were always about her mental health and not missionary work. Her mission president offered her the chance to take a medical leave until she figured out how to manage her medication, she said. “It sounded so appealing, and I couldn’t get the thought out of my head.” After fasting and praying for a week, she said she felt peace about taking a leave. She said something that affirmed her decision was the thought, “I shouldn’t run a marathon when I am dying.”
Wondering why
A week after Uyehara returned from her mission early, another missionary in her ward gave a homecoming talk. However, Uyehara did not. She said no one had asked her why she came home early and it made her wonder, “What do people think happened to me? Do they think I was unworthy and was sent home? Do they think that I got in trouble or I did something bad? Do they know about my mental health?” It was difficult to navigate, she said.
She said her mission might have looked different to others, but it was still a mission that helped develop her testimony. She said she wanted people to know that despite the absence of spiritual confirmations, she was steadfast in saying her prayers and doing her scripture study. She said, “I have grown in knowledge of the gospel, love for Christ and the scriptures, a solid strong testimony of the Book of Mormon ,and it’s just like what every missionary does.”
What to do?
Francis Ching, a former mission president of the Apia Samoa Mission from American Samoa said when he sent missionaries home, he always encouraged bishops and stake presidents to consult with them and give them the support they needed. He said this would help them have more success, more likely to stay active in the Church, and transition better. He emphasized the things that help missionaries who return early are to have people who they can talk to, feel loved by and feel understand.
Uyehara explained most bishops do not want to put an early returned missionary in a high-pressure situation, which is why they don’t give homecoming talks. Uyehara said she wished the returned missionaries had options. “Let them understand that they don’t have to,” she said, “but they are [also] more than welcome to share a mission homecoming talk.”
Prior to a Face to Face event on March 2016, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland addressed concerns raised by a returned missionary who only served for four months. Elder Holland expressed his appreciation for the missionary even trying to go on a mission. “I don’t want you to apologize for coming home. When someone was asking you if you served a mission, you say, ‘Yes.’”
Drawing examples from the scriptures, he said it not necessary to explain about the length of a missionary’s service. “Missions in the scripture were longer [and] some undoubtedly shorter.” He continued, “Cherish the service you rendered. Be grateful for the opportunity to have testified, to be out in the name of the Lord, to have worn that missionary name plaque.”
Ching said when he was a mission president, he had a missionary with severe anxiety. “He only stayed for a month, but to me after working with him and [seeing how] he tried really hard, I firmly believe that he completed his mission,” said Ching.
Opening up
To returned missionaries who come home early, Ching said, “It’s okay to talk to people about your feelings. It might also help other people who are in the same situation ….The more you open up with people, the more you will receive love and understanding from others. Then they will be willing to support you with your situation.”
When being placed in a situation where people proudly talk about their missions, Uyehara noticed people tend to cut off the topic because they are afraid of offending her. “As a result,” she said, “no one ever asked me.” She said because of this, at first she felt excluded, but then she tried to take ownership of her mission story. “I decided to include myself,” she explained. “When I started to talk about my mission openly, I started to feel included.”
To the members of the Church, she said she understands it’s a hard to address the topic. Rather than expecting something from someone, [everyone] can choose to be accepting of their story, she said. “I think you can approach someone who just came home from their mission early by saying, ‘I know that your mission experience is so different from someone else’s, but tell me about it.’ It’s not something that is taboo to talk about.” •