When creation comes with unseen emotional costs
Three mothers at BYU–Hawaii shared how motherhood reshaped their sense of identity, from postpartum struggles to the emotional weight of raising young children. They described a reality where love, grief, exhaustion and personal change often exist at the same time.
“I often feel guilty for grieving the life I once had, while knowing I should be presently grateful for this beautiful creation I gave birth to,” said Sophia Gonsalves, a junior in social work from California.
A whirlwind of love and loss
Now four months postpartum, Gonsalves said one of the hardest parts of becoming a mother was realizing that love and grief could exist at the same time. “There’s no going back to who I was before, and I don’t want to go back to who I was before because I love being a mom,” she said.
Growing up as an only child, Gonsalves said she saw motherhood as an opportunity to become gentler and more patient. Instead, the transition arrived as what she described as “a complete whirlwind”: physically painful, emotionally disorienting and far lonelier than she expected.
That shift deepened as Gonsalves realized another life now depended entirely on her. Breastfeeding, she said, became one of the clearest examples of motherhood’s invisible labor of cracked skin, imbalance hormones and sleepless nights. “The only way through it is to keep doing it.”
Postpartum depression further complicated what she thought early motherhood would feel like, Gonsalves said. Rather than constant joy, she said she experienced anger, frustration and guilt. Sometimes, even after feeding, changing and comforting her baby, she said she still could not stop the crying—neither her daughter’s nor her own.
Yet amid the exhaustion, Gonsalves said there are moments that feel unbearably tender. In quiet moments while nursing late at night, her daughter sometimes pauses to look at her or gently touch her face. “All the pain feels worth it.”
“And motherhood has taught me that this is the closest I’ll ever come to knowing just how much Heavenly Father loves us,” Gonsalves shared.
The silent weight of worry
Heiranie Lacour, a junior in hospitality, tourism and management from Tahiti and a mother of two toddlers, said motherhood revealed a form of love marked by constant worry, emotional strain and quiet sacrifice. Before having children, she said she viewed motherhood as a natural phase of life. “I was already responsible for my little sisters growing up, so it did not scare me,” she said.
What changed, Lacour said, was the “silent pain” that comes from constantly thinking ahead for her children. “It is a pain that no one else but a mom knows,” she said. From the moment they were born, she found herself worrying about their breathing, imagining their first day of school and even the possibility of them being hurt.
“It is realizing that I am in pain for situations that are not even happening,” she said. “That shows me how huge a mother’s love is.”
Even now, Lacour said, love and exhaustion exist at the same time. She recalled long nights without sleep from breastfeeding while managing schoolwork. “It felt like days were so long and without end.” Looking back, Lacour said the emotional shift into motherhood came gradually over several days or weeks, as she slowly realized her life had changed forever.
Lacour said motherhood has made her feel complete, even as she sometimes misses parts of who she was before, especially physically. “Becoming a mother taught me that love can also feel like sacrifice, patience, responsibility, exhaustion and unconditional love,” she continued.
The growing love and responsibility
Anri Nakagawa, mother of a toddler from Japan expecting her second child, said her current pregnancy feels shaped less by excitement and more by the realities of motherhood she now understands. She said she feels more emotionally prepared and calm than before, but also more aware of the responsibilities ahead, especially as she balances caring for her toddler while preparing for a newborn.
In those [difficult moments], I sometimes feel that the person I am now may actually be the truest version of myself.”
"It’s not just about the baby growing inside me,” she said. “I’m also navigating how to care for and connect with my older daughter.”
Nakagawa said one of the biggest changes she experienced in motherhood was the loss of personal time and the constant sense of responsibility that followed. “When I was on my own, there were many things I could brush off with, ‘It’s probably fine,’” she said. “But once I had my daughter, I realized I could no longer think that way so easily.”
Nakagawa said that responsibility became especially visible during her daughter’s toddler years, when tantrums and emotional outbursts left her feeling overwhelmed. “I genuinely felt like, ‘I just want to be alone,’” she said, adding that those moments often brought guilt, especially when compared to the calm, patient parenting she saw on social media.
Despite that tension, Nakagawa said motherhood also revealed strengths she had not recognized before. “I didn’t know I was capable of this,” she said, explaining that through those difficult moments, she began to see growth in herself. “In those moments, I sometimes feel that the person I am now may actually be the truest version of myself,” she said.