Two BYU–Hawaii students reflect on masculinity, emotional suppression and the struggle to express vulnerability
For many men, silence is more than the absence of words—it is a learned response shaped by culture, expectations and the quiet pressure to appear strong even when emotions become too heavy to carry alone.
Silence, for Peter, is not absence. It is a habit learned, a coping mechanism refined and at times, a weight carried quietly through transitions he never fully paused to process. As an anonymous biology student at BYU–Hawaii, Peter said he moves between oceanic exploration and internal reflection—between the openness of the sea and the restraint of what he chooses not to say.
When the conversation shifted toward emotions, Peter’s tone became more reflective. He described himself as neither fully introverted nor extroverted, but dependent on the people and environment around him. “With certain people, I’m super extroverted,” Peter said. “But with other people, it’s like I don’t really have anything to add, so I don’t have much to say.”
Peter said the same balance shows up in how he handles emotions. While he used to be more expressive, he said he gradually became more private because keeping things to himself often feels more manageable. “When I’m quieter and I don’t talk about those things, it’s easier for me to handle,” Peter said.
Peter said many men feel pressure to stay emotionally composed because of cultural expectations around masculinity. “Men are supposed to be more stoic,” Peter said. “There’s this idea that if you express your emotions, it could make you seem weaker.”
That mindset became more visible during his transition from missionary life into college life, Peter shared. After returning home from his mission, he said he spent only a short time with his family before moving to Hawaii for school.
At first, Peter said he did not fully process the change because everything happened quickly. Once he settled into campus life, the reality of leaving missionary life began to surface. “When you come home, it’s hard,” Peter said. “You just spent two years dedicating your life to something, and then suddenly you don’t do it every day anymore.” He explained the difficulty was less about academics and more about identity and shifting purpose after his mission. “You’re trying to figure out, ‘What am I supposed to do?’” Peter said. “I’m not a missionary anymore. I don’t have that missionary purpose anymore."
Being far from home made the adjustment harder, according to Peter. “It was a little harder because I didn’t have anybody to talk to about it,” he said. Peter said he often reflected on what came after his mission, choosing to focus on what he gained rather than what ended. “I feel like moving forward is the best way to honor that.” He also said spiritual habits like scripture study and temple attendance helped him stay grounded.
Among all emotions, Peter said loneliness is one of the hardest to express. He explained that college life can create pressure to appear socially connected. “There’s this social pressure where it’s like, ‘Oh, well, I should have lots of friends,’” Peter said. “Maybe I don’t want to say I’m lonely because then people are going to think I don’t have friends.”
Although Peter acknowledged that many men struggle with emotional silence, he said he does not believe emotions should be hidden entirely. Instead, he emphasized balance and intention in expression. “Share what matters,” Peter said.
Carrying emotions in silence
Trevor Taufa said emotional silence was never simply about avoiding feelings. He said it was something learned early—woven into family dynamics, cultural expectations and the quiet understanding that peace sometimes mattered more than personal expression. As a junior computer science student, Taufa said much of his emotional life has been shaped by balancing outward strength with inward struggle.
Growing up in a large Tongan family in Australia, Taufa said he often learned to suppress emotions for the sake of harmony. “I’m one of 13 kids,” Taufa said. “As the older sibling, it was always, ‘Just let the younger ones have their way because it’s easier.’” Taufa said those moments quietly taught him that emotions were often secondary to keeping peace within the family.
Taufa said many men experience emotional suppression not only because of societal expectations, but because strength itself is often associated with silence. “Men have kind of been the backbone of their communities for a long time,” Taufa said. “It feels easier to sit in silence than to talk about what you’re going through.”
Though Taufa considers himself an open person in some ways, he said vulnerability can still feel difficult to express directly. “I’m the type of person that just takes it as it comes,” Taufa said. “But once I hit my limit, I just crash.” He described his emotional experiences as cycles of endurance followed by burnout—functioning normally until emotions become too heavy to carry quietly.
That emotional exhaustion became especially visible during his mission experience, according to Taufa. He said he entered missionary service believing he was naturally extroverted and energized by constant interaction. However, the reality became emotionally draining much faster than he expected. “I wanted to work hard, but internally I just wanted to sit in a room and not talk to anyone,” Taufa said. “The hard thing is that missionary work is all about talking to people.”
Still, Taufa said silence itself is not always harmful. While suppressing emotions completely can become isolating, he believes there is also comfort in being understood without needing to explain everything verbally. “Sometimes you can just be around someone, and they understand how you feel,” Taufa said. “You don’t necessarily have to talk about it.”
For Taufa, emotional support among men often appears less through direct conversations and more through quiet companionship. Spending time together, checking in sincerely or simply being present can communicate care in ways words sometimes cannot. “With guys, sometimes you just have to be there,” Taufa said.
Looking back, Taufa said he wishes he understood earlier that emotions are not weaknesses but responses that deserve acknowledgment. “Ask yourself why you’re feeling what you’re feeling,” Taufa said.
Understanding your emotions helps you stay level-headed.
When asked what conversations men need more often, Taufa’s answer was simple. “Just genuinely asking each other, ‘How are you doing?’” Taufa said. “Sometimes that opens the door to everything else.”
Beyond individual experiences
The experiences Peter and Taufa described reflect a wider pattern identified in psychological research surrounding masculinity and emotional suppression. A 2018 longitudinal study published in the American Journal of Men’s Health examined 322 college men and found that traditional masculine norms such as self-reliance and emotional control were associated with higher risks of depressive symptoms over time. Researchers of the study noted that many men feel pressure to appear emotionally composed, often avoiding vulnerability because it conflicts with cultural expectations of masculinity.
More recent research has also connected emotional suppression to physical stress responses. A 2026 study published in the American Journal of Men’s Health found that emotional suppression explained nearly 38% to 43% of the connection between traditional masculine norms and physiological stress dysregulation among men in the United States. Researchers concluded that emotional stoicism and self-reliance—traits often socially associated with masculinity—can become harmful when emotions are consistently withheld.
Peter and Taufa shared that silence was not portrayed simply as weakness. At times, silence functioned as protection, habit, culture and survival. But both also described moments where connection—whether through presence, friendship, spirituality or vulnerability—softened the isolation that silence can create.